Carlsberg replaces beer with Milk

SHAME: Outraged bar-goers were outraged due to the sinister prank by Carlsberg of replacing all beer with farm-fresh full-cream milk

- SYM News Network

Absent Minded Women Misplace Umbrellas

LOST: The women are advised to reclaim their umbrellas before any damage is done

People (assumed to be women, because men clearly don't use umbrellas) have carelessly left their umbrellas hanging around on trees.

Passing drivers are concerned that should an umbrella fall, their windscreens would be scratched. The seriousness of the situation has caused many drivers to avoid taking the affected route.

The ladies are recommended to reclaim their umbrellas as soon as possible.

-SYM News Network

Miri Cop Hides In Bush

SNEAKY: Teeheehee.

Hardworking traffic cops have taken extreme measures to maintain the highly delicate balance of justice by sitting around hiding in bushes sweating profusely in uncomfortably tight clothing.

This officer is keeping a watchful eye upon this popular spot for ILLEGAL U-turns.

The people of Miri can now rest much easier knowing that somewhere out there, there are heroes; hiding in bushes.

We salute you , defender of U-turns!

-SYM News Network

Sago Conquers Finger

ON TOP OF THE WORLD: Sago expressing glee at the summit.

A sago climbed the index finger of one Bryan Lee Yen Fei's right hand. Paramedics confirmed Sago to be "moist and sticky".

-SYM News Network

Kerotan Frogs Invade Homes

INSCONPICOUS: Kerotan frog hiding in the shadows.



SECRET: They try to keep their presence a secret to avoid being shot in the face by rugged sexy men.


ABOUT TO GET SCREWED: A rugged and sexy man spots an unfortunate Kerotan through his scope.


SMUGNESS: He has it.

When asked about his unfortunate fate of constantly being hunted, he responded, "I'm okay with that. After all, he was merely trying to find his purpose in life. A stealth camo. In the end, our existence all comes down finding a purpose. Besides, he merely uses tranqualisers."

"To make you guys sleep?"

"Yes."

"So what happens when you guys sleep?"

"... I .. I don't know."

"Alright, Mister Kerotan, here's to hoping what he did isn't what we think he did."





SNIPE MAGNET: A kerotan is looking over the city in gloom over his eventual demise.


BABY KEROTANS: The Kerotans are apparently in no danger of being totally wiped out by rugged sexy men.



GA-KO: A related cousin to the Kerotan frog as clearly seen by its equally smug self.

- SYM News Network

Cereal Boycotts Milk

In a recent protest, cereal has shunned milk in hoping that they may achieve independence.

Cereal and milk has coexisted for millenia but the YCM(Young Cerealist Movement) brought up issues concerning milk and their stereotypical understanding that cereal only goes well with milk.

The YCM believes that the boycott of milk will increase their profit twofold.

"Instead of spending money on milk to eat with cereal, people could just by cereal and eat it on its own! The eventual absence of milk will result in the increase of cereal in what is already severely limited bowl-space.", said YCM leader , Crunchie Crunchkins.

The boycott has resulted in sightings of cows with freakishly oversized and bloated mammary glands. Worried farmers have stocked up on umbrellas in preparation for the eventual event nicknamed "Creamy Rain".

- SYM News Network

Budget Chopstick Assembly Grosses-Out Many

DISGUSTING: Glue shortage has caused desperate companies to use animal intestines as an adhesive agent.

The chopsticks, normally created through a process of taking two sticks and gluing them together, are now joined in the middle by animal intestines.

The controversial move was met upon with mixed reaction. Some hailed the alternative assembly technique to be a major breakthrough in flavor enhancement while others puked chunks into their meals due to extreme grossness.

A small group of individuals expressed thoughts about how the chopstick intestines go well with lube and how they belong in their pants. Their statement have been confirmed to have raised at least a dozen eyebrows and a half.

- SYM News Network

Questionable Device Found in Washing Machine

Curious inhabitants of The Home for The Old and Pruny (subsequently referred to as THOP) made a startling discovery in their private washing machine earlier today.





INNOCENT MACHINE PART (OR IS IT?) : Geraldine, an inhabitant of THOP said that he was washing his dentures when they slipped and fell under the washing machine. As he bent over to pick his teeth up, he noticed this flap.





THE PULL-OUT METHOD: Geraldine, who is highly active in adventurous activities like collecting stamps and folding origami naturally felt curious. He decided to pull out the device to see what was attached to the other end of it.





OH MY: To his surprise, he pulled out a very questionable-looking plastic piece out of the washing machine.

He later proceeded to run into the hall arms-flailing and show it off to the girls. They were reported to have giggled immaturely. Even Ronald, who is clearly a man, was said to have giggled like a little girl. Ronald denied all accusations and killed everyone who thought otherwise.

Since the incident, the purpose and use of the plastic piece became a well-debated and controversial subject among the people of THOP.

The most popular theory, suggested by the most-experienced and most-loved(by the male community) inhabitant of THOP, lovingly reffered to as 'Aunty Sagskin', is an interesting one.

She claims that because of the nature of housewives (which the washing machine market was made for), in which they are alone at home while their husband is out working, this piece of equipment serves to give to them in the day, what their husband is only able to give to them at night.

"Naturally, we ladies are embarassed to admit that we do that kind of thing when our spouses aren't home. So we hide it in the machine. My only regret is that they didn't have this feature during my generation(laughs).", comments Aunty Sagskin.

She then proceeded to stretch her left arm high and scratched her armpit with the fingers of her right hand.

When contacted, the washing machine companies released the following statement:
"IT'S A XXXING FILTER YOU UNEDUCATED XXXXX"

- SYM News Network

Orange Kidnapped and Tortured

HAPPIER DAYS : A picture of Orange before the unfortunate event.

Orange, last seen by her parents 2 hours ago is reportedly kidnapped by a sadistic madman who documents all his exploits online.

The following are graphic images uploaded on to the internet by the madman himself possibly in an attempt to upload images on to the internet.

Viewer discretion is advised.





KIDNAPPED! : This photo is claimed by many to be the moment upon which the madman struck upon the orange and kidnapped it. The horrific expression on the orange as it was kidnapped has caused psychological grievance to a number of individuals who have laid eyes on it.






SHEER TERROR: The expression of fear of the orange is almost too painful to look at as the madman forces it to look at the camera.





SADIST: Photos of previous orange victim exploits were found in the madman's photo gallery. The recent kidnappee is expected to suffer the same fate.

The madman is suspected to operate by moving from one cyber-cafe to another leaving no definite trace behind.

Authorities are working round-the-clock to track down the exact location of the madman and to apprehend him before any further attacks take place.

All fruit are advised to remain indoors until the suspect is arrested. Provisions will be supplied to all fruits to ensure that they do not starve during this crisis. Fruits who plan on eating their offspring are highly not recommended to do so no matter how fresh and tasty they may be.

- SYM News Network

Sleeping Cat Causes Massive Delay in Roadwork

ELEGANT: Construction of this stretch of road had been put on hold.






MESSENGER OF DEATH: Work was put on indefinite hold after a cat hindered efforts by workers to continue drawing this line.

Roadbuilders spoke to us during the incident and were reportedly outraged and proceeded to sulk after a high-priority road-marking operation was prematurely ended.

Witness testimony claim that the incident was caused by the shocking event involving a cat which obliviously strolled onto the construction zone.

The worker in charge of the road-marking operation had only this to say, "When the cat was approaching me, I didn't put much thought into it. It was only when it lay down on the line where it was supposed to continue, did I realise that we may have a major disaster in our hands."

Due to the chaos which caused a major traffic jam along the road, freight companies are expected to experience delivery delays and whiny-customers.

As of 8:00AM +8GMT, it is reported that a number of freight company managers are being yelled at rudely by customers who did not recieve their shipment in time. They later proceeded to cry into their pillows and played with knives.

- SYM News Network